You know that feeling when you meet someone for the first time and you just instantly connect with them? You feel everything from them, with them. You feel connected to on a different level. You feel every ounce of emotion they have as if they are a part of your soul. You feel their anger, sadness, hurt, when they are lost, you even feel their happiness, the overabundance of love they have for everyone around them, and the most important part you see is their hope. Hope for a better tomorrow even when things are terrible, and things just can’t work out. You feel their frustration because they don’t know what will happen tomorrow but they still have the hope they need to get through that night just to see what tomorrow brings. They push through even though everything around them seems to batter them in every which way. You feel all of these things with them because they have connected with you. And when you are without them your heart aches, you don’t know how to process it, and you feel lonely. You do all that you can to be a part of them even when you aren’t with them. You try and have the hope and happiness that they have to get you through your day. I always thought that I could only feel those feelings with a human being, but the day I walked away from Haiti I felt all of those things. I didn’t know I could have this connection with a country. Going in I didn’t know what to expect, I had so many people question why I would even step foot in a country that has the reputation of being “broken” and corrupt. Well, why would I want to turn my back on a country that could maybe use my hands and heart? I wouldn’t turn my back on someone who is broken and hurting here in the US so why should I do that to another country? God wouldn’t look at someone and say you are too broken for me; he would love on them and help them in any way he could.

I had no expectations going into this trip; I left my head, heart, and hands open for God to use them in any way he could. I struggled with my last mission’s trip trying to figure out why God had brought me there. I felt a little lost in trying to figure out what my purpose was there. I feel like I had set these expectations and they weren’t met so what was left was just disappointment. With Haiti I didn’t want disappointment; I wanted to feel like I had done something, even small I wanted to feel like God used me in all of my potentials to serve. I had no idea that in 6 days my life would be forever changed. I had no idea that I would have talks so deep with people I only knew for a day on a rooftop and that those talks would make an impact. The things I saw and felt are something I can’t really put into words. In all of the struggles and hardship of life I saw, I witnessed a real meaning of hope and love.

I met beautiful women who had different walks of life that weren’t easy; I painted with them as music and laughter filled the air. It was one of the most intimate emotional experiences I have ever had. I walked away from that experience with my heart overflowing with so much love, trust, and openness. I think one thing God had me in Haiti for was Sa Voix, those groups of ladies have taken a piece of my heart that I will forever cherish. Their smiles, love, and determination were something I have taken and have learned from. I heard the stories of how they have grown and where they came from, the hope they had to do great things and set goals.

This trip I learned to stretch beyond what I thought I could ever do. To be raw and open and be ok with it, showing people how I feel and that it is ok to be vulnerable. I walked away with these beautiful relationships and some that have become stronger. I feel like the other amazing people that went with did the same. To see people who are so strong and that I have admired be honest and true to their feelings is something I felt like I had the honor of seeing. To see tears from the past heartbreak as their heart was ripped open by Haiti and they turn to you just to have someone listen has brought me closer to the hearts of those people.

Haiti brings these feelings; it breaks you down so you can’t hide. Hiding is comfortable; it is something I feel that I need to do so I can’t be torn down and show my heart. If you love someone so much, you give them your heart, your whole heart and you have to let them hold it in their hands. I didn’t think I would want to give Haiti my heart, but I did. It broke me down in the most amazing and beautiful way possible. It ripped away layers I knew were there but didn’t want to peel back. It told me to be vulnerable and that it is ok, its ok to feel like you are not ok, to feel the feelings that you have and to know its ok to not understand them right now. I always need to figure out why I feel the way I feel, to process it and get over it. The past few weeks I have been shutting it off, not thinking about it, avoiding any question about Haiti and how it was. What I did with my hands and where my feet have walked I can talk about no problem, but the feelings that are deep in my heart are what I have hidden away. Again, they hide because it is comfortable. As I sit here writing this, I give you my vulnerability, my heart, the real feelings of my love, Haiti, you may not understand them, and that is ok. It’s ok for me not to be understood because sometimes quite frankly I don’t understand them myself. Instead of me dodging the questions and feeling Haiti slipping from my thoughts because I have suppressed them which made me need to write this, even more, I wanted to write, write my sadness, confusion, and hope with all of you.

Haiti is raw, Haiti is love, and Haiti is HOPE. Hope for a better today and tomorrow.

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary, they will walk and not be faint.

 Isaiah 40:31